Our American God with Reverend Roy Pentecost

Brothers and Sisters,

A revelation was presented to me from my Lord Jesus Christ (via AP Newswire) in my July 11th edition of the New York Times. The article read: "U.S. counterterror officials are warning of an increased risk of an attack this summer, given al-Qaeda's apparent interest in summertime strikes."

At last! The final battle as predicted in the Book of Revelation. If those extremist bastards really do have an "interest in summertime," it can only mean one thing: Showdown at Splash World.

Because most people are on vacation throughout the summer, this means the general population is doing one of two things. Having BBQ in the backyard or going to Splash World. And because a standard suburban BBQ doesn't have the kill count these defects are looking for, it can only mean that Splash World is the primary terrorist target.

Two major factors will lead us to victory this summer:

1) God is on our side

2) These Colors Don't Run (not even in a fucking wave pool/lazy river)

Oh and it's going to pretty hard to sneak one of your suicide bombers into our Splash World Al-Qaeda, because a) everyone is wearing bathing suits (with the exception of God's big boned children who may swim in jeans) and b) everyone in America carries a gun (as instructed by our God given 2nd Amendment).

Brothers and Sisters this summer we must remain extremely vigilante, especially at Splash World. Any suspicious characters at the Water Whirly or Land of Lincoln Log Ride must be immediately reported. Any white powder not on fried dough or all over the cheeks of God's big boned children must be avoided.

While many will argue that profiling violates basic civil liberties, it will be an essential tool in our anti-terror efforts at Splash World. After working alongside Splash World ownership and officials at the Office of Homeland Security, we have devised a few ground rules for this high alert summer. Any individual not wearing a t-shirt with a dreamcatcher, Native American and/or nature scene with at least one wolf on a moonlit cliff is suspect (see insert image).



















Any individual not wearing a NASCAR hat or small fitting NASCAR tank top/sleeveless shirt with will be prohibited from renting a locker.

Remember my brothers and sisters, Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff has informed the American people that,"Summertime seems to be appealing to them [Al Qaeda],"

And it's because they're jealous of our backyard BBQ, bikinis, abundant supply of fresh relish and the thrills of the new Wild Canyon Falls 12 man tube ride at Splash World.

God Bless You and May God Bless America